Twsnark thread

Hey! No hate from me. Feminism is all about choice. As long as it's your choice to stay home, go for it! I also think it's great that you grew as a person and were able to break away from the toxic community. Honestly, we need more progressive theistic folks to speak up about it! The only hate you would get from me, would be if you wanted to force everyone else to stay home.

You have my respect sister! Being a wife and a mom is hard work. It's non stop. I'm a feminist and an open minded Episcopalian. I've also had periods of my life when I've not worked and focused on family. It's so important to find your balance, what makes you content, and serves your family best. Good on you for redefining your role on your terms and throwing off the toxic chains that held you down. I wish you and your family all the luck!

Hey we support you! We encourage you to make the best choices for you and your family and i am also walking with God who has pulled me away from toxic communities and rhetoric like that! You are always welcome here and i love hearing refreshing things like this where women of all different life walks can still come together and uplift one another :)

Hey! I’m a “tradwife” too and I love this sub for pointing out how damaging and toxic the tradwife community is! Glad you’re here!

I don't see it as toxic at all

PRAISE GOD! You’re finally starting to wake up! Goodness gracious it IS toxic full of egotistical people trying to out-trad one another. THANK HEAVENS you’re out!

Ways in which it harmed my relationship with my husband: feeling like he wasn’t good enough because I have to work and we can’t live off of his income - even though I don’t really mind working that much, we both work from home and balance out working and watching over the kids just fine. Sure it would be nice to be able to focus on taking care of them and having more time to cook and clean, but it’s not the end of the world. I don’t understand how my sacrifice of what I want is somehow bad - in a community where women constantly sacrificing their wants and wishes is a good thing.

Ways in which it harmed my self esteem: feeling like my identity (emo/metal style) was cringe and I was actually just being an attention whore by liking to dress the way I do, just because it’s different from how they dress. My piercings, my colorful hair, my black clothes, the things that have made me who I am since I was a tween, I was only doing it to be a “pick me” but somehow abandoning my entire personality to fit their norms wasn’t “pick me” behavior.

Oh my god this really speaks to me because I went through the same thing when I joined my husband's church. They basically shamed me for not being their idea of proper and for having tattoos. The bishop wouldn't even look at me when he spoke to me. Also I was the "wrong" ethnicity since they were all from eastern Europe and racist af. Eventually we left after many problems, but I'm still angry I allowed myself to be treated that way.

whats that gotta do with a traditional home life...

"feeling like my identity (emo/metal style) was cringe and I was actually just being an attention whore by liking to dress the way I do, just because it’s different from how they dress. My piercings, my colorful hair, my black clothes, the things that have made me who I am since I was a tween, I was only doing it to be a “pick me” but somehow abandoning my entire personality to fit their norms wasn’t “pick me” behavior."

Holy shit. They have the nerve to call you a "pick me" but their whole entire existence is built around reinforcing hostile or benevolently sexist ideas, "submitting" to men & letting them "lead." They need to get a reality check cuz they're projecting HARD.

This is why I don't like using the word. It removes ANY critical thought or logic as to why one would be a "pick me." Nope it's a bunch of over grown toddlers throwing insults because they don't like someone. In your case it's because you're not fitting in with them. Tell them fuck off.

And I 100% believe you when you said they called you a "pick me." Back in 2020, I was on YouTube watching a spiritual channel, called StarGirlThePracticalWitch, she was doing a pick a card/pile reading to show the viewers about who they are as a person in general, and she said something along the lines of "You'd get your own money & pay for your own equal share." "You're the independent type." "Your mother said marry a rich man, & you'd reply I am that rich man." For a certain pile. And a few comments were dragging her & those who resonated with said pile. They were being told "don't be a pickmeisha" & "no man is ever going to respect you" by a few comments.

Fact is, the term "pickmeisha" originated from the Black community but the only ones using it were white women. And they weren't using it to call someone out for tearing others down, they were using it to tear others women down, because those other women didn't fit in or subscribed to their toxic ideologies. I'm not surprised since alot of the "TRadiTiOnaL rOLes" came from white upper/middle class anyways. Remember once someone starts using insults & emotional attacks as a way to get you to bend to their will, you know for a fact that whatever comes out of their mouth ain't worth listening to.

https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/emotional-manipulation

https://www.choosingtherapy.com/emotional-manipulation/

So for anybody reading this now, if you want to explore spirituality, don't go too deep into it. There are trads larping as new aged or even "feminists" to enforce their outdated views. Trust me I was in it & saw exactly what happened. Alot of them are heavy on gender essentialism & traditionalistic views. Just do it for fun, take what they say with grain of salt & don't take anything too seriously.

I’m a SAHM/homemaker and take great pride in looking after my home and family, I also try to be feminine in the most intrinsic sense - I meditate on connecting to my feminine energy and treat people with warmth and kindness - but I do not identify as trad.

Although I’m not American, I understand the religious, social and political implications behind the tradwife label and do not agree with them at all. I think it’s a shame that so many of us who choose to focus on our family and femininity have been associated with a racist, exclusionist and in many spheres extremist group based off our lifestyle.

To me tradwife seems to be a political statement as opposed to a lifestyle choice, I prefer the label homemaker.

I do post on the RPW site on occasion as I think it’s important for women who choose to focus almost exclusively on their home and family have a space for reasons I’ll get into, but I suspect many of the more prolific posters are in face men masquerading as women to “school” us.

I recently read Sisters in Hate by Seward Darby and found the chapter on Ayala Stewart very interesting. To me it was almost a warning on what can happen when women who choose to focus on their home and family aren’t given a forum to discuss their lives and interests. there is still a lot of judgement and manipulation by men with their own agendas trying to “school” women and people like author Julia Ebner who wrote a book which focused heavily on the RPW sub but cherry picked and twisted much of what was posted over there.

Ayalas story showed that when people are marginalised for pretty mundane things they seek comfort in the more extreme if it’s the only place they feel accepted and if they can’t express how the feel for fairly benign beliefs without judgement and ridicule - they start to internalise the more toxic influences relating to their beliefs. It’s exactly how extremist groups on all sides attract and recruit people and she is the perfect illustration of how this happens.

For me the trad movement is no different to any other extremist recruitment push, it just looks prettier. I’m glad to read this discussion, hopefully more read it and realise they aren’t as marginalised as most of the trad pundits would have them believe. If more women feel that they have acceptance and a voice, the less people like Aylya Stewart and that vile Just Pearly Things will have relevance.

Yes to all of this, especially about people who feel marginalized getting pushed to extremes, I wish there was more understanding about this!

That's so true - I also try to be feminine (in my kind of goth way but still) but when I found those communities I found so much racism and hate that I was genuinely asking them " do you guys REALLY think you're being feminine being so hateful?" and surprisingly, they think they are